Chapter 114

It was another peaceful day, just like many years ago, with Jiang Yi taking meticulous care of her. Yet now, her state of mind was entirely different.
Winter had arrived, and charcoal fires warmed the room. A young maid, no more than thirteen or fourteen, watched Yan Yiming with lively curiosity.
No one here knew she was Princess Ming. They only saw her stunning beauty and how dearly Jiang Yi cherished her. The girl giggled and asked, “Miss, have you had a quarrel with the young master? Why do you seem so downcast?”
Yan Yiming didn’t want to dwell on Jiang Yi, especially when he was away at court and out of sight. She changed the subject, asking the girl, “How old are you?”
Why was someone so young already serving others?
“Miss, I’m thirteen this year,” the girl replied, her voice like silver bells. Her cheerful personality was quite endearing. “Our household only has men aside from the cook. Since you’ve come, the young master asked Steward Li to find a reliable maid to serve you, so my grandfather sent me.”
Yan Yiming smiled at the girl’s chubby cheeks. “So you’re Steward Li’s granddaughter.”
Children will be children. Yan Yiming easily diverted her attention with various topics. The girl had never left the capital, so she listened with wide-eyed wonder as Yan Yiming spoke of the desolate northwestern borders, the breathtaking beauty of Suzhou and Hangzhou, and even tales from her travels to Tibet in her previous life.
The girl gasped in amazement, exclaiming now and then how much she wished to see those places herself.
By the time Jiang Yi returned, the girl was still buzzing with excitement. Yan Yiming glanced at him before heading to the kitchen to ask the cook what delicacies were in store for the day. Trapped here as she was, the only thing she looked forward to each day was the cook’s delicious meals.
The young maid tidied the room with nimble hands. Fearless despite her youth, she wasn’t even afraid of Jiang Yi and asked him directly, “Young master, the miss has been to so many places! Have you traveled as much?”
Jiang Yi picked up the book of supernatural tales Yan Yiming had left by her pillow and asked, “What did she tell you?”
“The miss said there are wolf packs in the northwestern deserts, and their eyes turn green and glow at night. She said there’s a place far away called Tibet, where most people follow Buddhism, and when they die, their bodies are placed on a platform called a 'sky burial altar'...”
The girl chattered animatedly, but Jiang Yi’s face showed no trace of a smile. After a moment of silence, an inexplicable sorrow shadowed his features.
He sent the girl to attend to Yan Yiming, and the room fell into its usual quiet. Leaning back in his chair, Jiang Yi closed his eyes, his handsome face etched with exhaustion. He let out a bitter laugh, and after a long while, he composed himself, returning to his usual demeanor.
When Yan Yiming returned from the kitchen, Jiang Yi lay on the bed with his eyes closed, as if fast asleep.
She glanced at him before stepping behind the screen to change her clothes. When she emerged, he remained in the same position. Pausing, she approached for a closer look and noticed the unmistakable weariness beneath his eyes.
More than a month had passed since returning to the capital. Yan Yiming didn’t know whether Jiang Yi had always been this busy or if it was a recent development.
She lowered her gaze to Jiang Yi’s slightly furrowed brow, even in deep sleep. After a moment, she pulled the quilt up to cover him gently, turned to place a bit of calming incense in the burner, and quietly stepped out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.
Her movements were careful, so much so that even opening the door made no sound. As the calming incense slowly spread, the person inside the room slept peacefully.
Setting aside the recent coldness between them, the two still maintained many acts of care, or perhaps habits of being cared for.
Little A watched quietly as Yan Yiming finished everything, then observed her sitting silently in the pavilion by the pond in the estate, lost in thought. After a long while, unable to hold back, Little A whispered, “Host, actually, it seems... I think you still care about Jiang Yi.”
Yan Yiming didn’t respond. Little A, thinking with its data-driven mind, pulled out numerous instances where Yan Yiming had treated Jiang Yi differently from the others, as if to prove its point, and continued, “Look, even though he’s been coercing you like this, you haven’t gotten angry.”
“After all, we’ve spent so many years together sincerely. Of course, I still care,” Yan Yiming said, gazing at the gray, distant sky. “But there are many things I care about more than this.”
She couldn’t accept living a life controlled by someone else.
She did care and had feelings for him. Even in reality, she had never met someone as outstanding as Jiang Yi. Growing up together and spending years side by side, anyone would develop feelings. But no matter what, this was just a game. Once the game ended, the two of them would have to part ways.
Even if they were truly together, she didn’t like this way of being. If this were real feelings, they had already lost their original flavor.
One person unwilling, the other mixed with too many other emotions, this wasn’t normal, nor would it last.
She had witnessed such a relationship in her past life, where two people wasted over twenty years like this. She was all too familiar with such tragedies, and she detested them.
Jiang Yi seemed truly exhausted. If Yan Yiming hadn’t woken him, he might have slept straight through until the next morning.
A young maid brought in the evening meal, setting the dishes out one by one. Jiang Yi, perhaps still dazed from sleep, took the chopsticks Yan Yiming handed him. He paused for a moment before accepting them, hearing her say, “You seem very tired lately.”
Jiang Yi’s hand holding the chopsticks stiffened slightly, but he quickly regained his composure. With his usual cheerful tone, he replied, “It’s just that there’s been a lot going on at court lately.”
Yan Yiming let out an “Oh” and said nothing more. After the meal, Jiang Yi suddenly said to her, “A’Ming, wait for me a few more days.”
Yan Yiming didn’t ask what he meant by waiting a few days, as she wasn’t particularly interested.
It wasn’t until another half-month later, when the emperor ordered Shao Jingyu to lead troops south to suppress the Prince of Jiangxia, that an unexpected visitor arrived at the estate, Shao Jingyu himself.
Despite having heard Jiang Yi’s words, Shao Jingyu insisted on seeing Yan Yiming once more before his departure. Perhaps it was because the person from years ago had been gone for too long, or perhaps it was because the Lin’an Princess always carried an inexplicable familiarity about her. More than anything, it might have been because he feared he would never see her again.
What he had once avoided, he now faced openly. Shao Jingyu said that perhaps they would never meet again. Yan Yiming chuckled softly, “The general will surely return to the capital one day. How could we not see each other then?”
Shao Jingyu raised an eyebrow and smiled, “So the Princess still doesn’t know.”
“Know what?” Yan Yiming asked in surprise.
“Jiang Yi has resigned from his official post, and His Majesty has already approved it,” Shao Jingyu said. “Although I don’t care for Jiang Yi’s character, he truly is a man of extraordinary talent. It’s a pity to see him abandon his career.”
Yan Yiming froze in place. After dropping this bombshell, Shao Jingyu left with a carefree air, much like a child playing a mischievous prank to get back at someone.
Jiang Yi’s resignation shocked the entire court. Many pleaded with the emperor to revoke his decision, but both the emperor and the crown prince remained unopposed. Jiang Yi was leaving, and they had simply agreed.
After expressing his gratitude to the emperor, Jiang Yi entered the Eastern Palace. Nan Gongxuan sat in his chair, lost in thought, and only snapped out of it when he saw Jiang Yi enter.
Having returned to the capital, Nan Gongxuan seemed to have matured even more than before he left. Perhaps he had finally understood things he had never grasped before. He let out a long sigh and asked, “Now that you’re leaving, when will you return?”
Jiang Yi’s gaze grew distant, as if counting the days one by one. After a long pause, he finally replied, “By the end of spring.”
Seeing the exhaustion on Jiang Yi’s face, Nan Gongxuan refrained from pressing further and simply patted him on the shoulder.
“In that case, I’ll await your return by the end of spring next year.”
Nan Gongxuan recalled how, some time ago, he had jokingly asked Jiang Yi when they could expect to drink the wedding wine, now that he had managed to secure Princess Ming’s life.
Nan Gongxuan admitted that when he asked that question, his heart ached fiercely. He had expected Jiang Yi to smile and say “soon,” but Jiang Yi remained silent for a long time. Only when Nan Gongxuan repeated the question did Jiang Yi murmur, as if to himself, “There won’t be a wedding.”
Why wouldn’t there be? Nan Gongxuan was puzzled. If they were in love, why would he say such a thing?
Jiang Yi smiled bitterly and said, “Because even so, I still can’t keep her.”
Even so? Wasn’t she madly in love with you, wishing she could cling to you every day? Why would you need to try so hard to keep her?
For the first time, Nan Gongxuan realized that the relationship between Jiang Yi and Princess Ming might not be what it seemed. At a time when he thought everything should be perfect, Jiang Yi seemed more tormented than ever.
When Jiang Yi returned to the Jiang residence, Yan Yiming was sitting in the lakeside pavilion, lost in thought. She seemed to love this place.
Jiang Yi walked over slowly and wrapped his arms around her from behind. The person in his embrace struggled briefly before giving up and leaning against his chest.
“A’Ming,” Jiang Yi called her name softly, “Let’s go out for a walk.”
Yan Yiming remained silent, and Jiang Yi, unfazed by the lack of response, continued softly, “We could go to Zhouzhuang in Suzhou. The winters there are warmer than here. We could spend New Year’s Eve and the Lantern Festival there, and after March, we could head to Luoyang to see the peonies. You once said it was a shame you’d never seen them...”
“Jiang Yi,” Yan Yiming rarely, if ever, addressed him so directly, “have you lost your mind?”
Yan Yiming stood up and looked him straight in the eye. “You are the Grand Minister of the Court of Imperial Sacrifices, personally appointed by His Majesty, a third-rank official...”
Jiang Yi pressed a finger to her lips, his voice still gentle. “Let’s not talk about that. Just tell me, do you want to go or not?”
Yan Yiming took a sharp breath and said bitterly, “No.”
“Liar,” Jiang Yi chuckled. “You clearly want to. Back when we were in the Jiang family, you said you wanted to go. It’s not just for you, it’s for me too. I want to go.”
It wasn’t an excuse; he truly meant it.
Yan Yiming couldn’t stop him. Before the court had even fully processed the news of Jiang Yi’s resignation, he had already left Jinling.
Snow drifted quietly from the sky, melting into the canal as it fell. Jiang Yi stood at the bow of the boat, a thin layer of snow dusting his shoulders, his jade-like face making him look like a motionless statue.
After standing there for an unknown length of time, Jiang Yi returned to the cabin. Yan Yiming was sound asleep, but a set of clean clothes had been laid out on the chair by the bed, and a warm hand-warmer was placed nearby.
As if it had nothing to do with the person sleeping in the bed.
Jiang Yi let out a soft laugh. Though he held an ordinary hand-warmer, he treated it as if it were some priceless treasure.
The boat traveled along the canal for many days before they disembarked in Suzhou and settled into a small house in the water town of Zhouzhuang. Passersby glanced curiously at the strikingly handsome young couple, watching as the jade-like young man bought a sugar figurine and offered it to the young woman, who refused to take it.
Someone laughed and whistled, teasing, “The little wife is throwing a tantrum!” Yan Yiming shot the person a glare, then snatched the sugar figurine from Jiang Yi’s hand, making the onlookers laugh even louder.
Jiang Yi laughed along with them, thanking the crowd before chasing after her. Back in their small courtyard, the delicate sugar figurine was bitten fiercely, and the remaining half was stuck into the beautiful red plum blossoms in the garden.
On New Year’s Eve, the small water town was livelier than the Jiang residence had ever been. A warm-hearted neighbor invited Yan Yiming to her home to make dumplings. Glancing at Jiang Yi and the dark, empty house, Yan Yiming hesitated for a moment before taking his hand and bringing him along.
Jiang Yi played with the children, and an elderly man nearby laughed heartily, saying to him, “Young man, in a few years, you two will have a few of your own.”
Jiang Yi gently pinched the child's reddened, frostbitten cheek, then turned to thank his uncle. His gaze shifted toward the busy figure in the kitchen before he averted his eyes.
When the dumplings were served, the children eagerly pounced on them, devouring them ravenously. Yan Yiming walked in from outside, a smile on her face that hadn’t been seen in many days. As her eyes met his, Jiang Yi felt a sudden urge to look away, but Yan Yiming, unlike her usual cold self, smiled and sat beside him, even picking up a dumpling and placing it in his bowl.
A dull ache spread through Jiang Yi’s heart, yet it was accompanied by a faint sweetness. As he bit into the dumpling, he froze, a single peanut was tucked inside. He abruptly turned to look at Yan Yiming, but she acted as if she knew nothing, casually picking up another dumpling for the chubby child sitting nearby.
The little boy wolfed down the dumpling, but there was no peanut inside.
Many years ago, during his first year at the Jiang residence, he had spent a lonely New Year’s Eve alone. Yan Yiming had come to celebrate with him, and he had found a dumpling with a copper coin inside. She had blinked and told him that the coming year would bring him smooth sailing in all things.
Now, on this festive New Year’s Eve, though he was no longer a child, his eyes moistened just as they had eight years before.
Yan Yiming had finally stopped treating him coldly, not because she had given up on returning home or for any other reason, but because she had finally made up her mind.
Little A had once asked her, “What’s wrong with staying here for a lifetime? Isn’t it a good thing to live an extra lifetime compared to others?” Yan Yiming hadn’t said much in response, only telling her that she had never considered it a good thing.
The meaning of a person’s existence lies in their memories, the emotions, the bonds, the things they cannot bear to part with. She belonged to that world.
But if she were to live here for a long time, twenty-three years, thirty years, or even sixty or seventy years, her memories of the present world would gradually fade. Then, which world would she truly belong to? Now, she missed her family in the present world and resisted her circumstances with reluctance. But what if, after many years, she slowly accepted reality and truly accepted Jiang Yi? Perhaps they would be together, have children, and new memories and bonds would form. Would she then no longer wish to leave this place?
Yan Yiming never underestimated the power of time. Under its erosion, anything was possible.
She had to return. Even if she truly couldn’t go back and had to wait many years, she would choose to remain alone. That way, perhaps when she finally returned to the present world, she would still be the same person she had been years before.
Until then, she would do her best to repay what she owed Jiang Yi, just as he had once cared for her.
On the fifteenth day of the lunar month, the entire street was adorned with bright red lanterns. The two of them guessed lantern riddles and played along the way. A mischievous child set off fireworks, accidentally tossing one into the crowd. Jiang Yi swiftly pulled Yan Yiming aside, but the back of his hand was grazed by a spark.
Yan Yiming took Jiang Yi back home and carefully applied medicinal wine to the burn. As she tended to him with a serious expression, Jiang Yi suddenly said, “A’Ming, weave another tasseled cord for me.”
“Mm,” Yan Yiming replied softly. After a moment, she added, “Maybe I should weave a few more.”
She waited for him to ask why, but he didn’t. Instead, he smiled and said, “That would be even better.”
In the blink of an eye, the new year passed, and spring arrived once again. Spring in Jiangnan seemed to come earlier than in other places. The willow branches along the riverbanks had already sprouted tender buds, and the scholars preparing for the triennial imperial examinations in the capital were beginning their journeys.
Yan Yiming overheard a nearby family saying they would pray to the God of Literature, hoping their child would achieve success like the top scholar, Jiang, did in his time. A faint smile touched Yan Yiming's lips as she turned to look at Jiang Yi, who was sitting in the courtyard, engrossed in a book.
Dressed in snow-white robes, he stirred a ripple in Yan Yiming's heart, the young man in blue robes of the past had now become an elegant gentleman.
Slowly, Yan Yiming's smile faded as she gazed at the clouds in the distant sky. The emperor's time was running out, and she knew she must eventually force him to return.
They spent another stretch of peaceful and tranquil days, much like they had years ago. Leaving Zhouzhuang, they traveled to Luoyang. In April, Luoyang was breathtakingly beautiful with peonies blooming everywhere. As they strolled through the streets, noble young men and women discussed the varieties of peonies, while elders, long accustomed to the sight, repeatedly wondered whether their grandchildren in the capital had passed the exams.
Yan Yiming gently brushed the delicate white stamens of a flower and glanced at Jiang Yi.
Everyone hoped their children would achieve scholarly honors, yet no one imagined that the prodigious top scholar, who had aced all three levels of the imperial exams, had given it all up for a woman.
Jiang Yi pretended not to hear her thoughts, taking her hand to admire other flowers.
Amid the bustling crowd, Yan Yiming thought she heard him say something, but it felt like an illusion, unclear, or perhaps mistaken.
Finally, Yan Yiming finished weaving the silk tassel. That evening, back at their residence, she prepared to replace the old one for him, but Jiang Yi pressed her hand and said, “There's no hurry. We can change it another time.”
Yan Yiming looked up at him and, after a long pause, suddenly asked, “What if there is no 'another time'?”
A flicker of emotion passed through Jiang Yi's eyes as he pressed his cool fingertips to her lips, silencing the words she was about to speak.
“Don't say it,” Jiang Yi said softly. “I don't like it.”
Yan Yiming stared at him intently for a long while before helplessly closing her eyes. That night, Jiang Yi held her tightly in his arms. Half-asleep, she thought she heard him ask, “A'Ming, do you remember what day it is tomorrow?”
What day? Yan Yiming couldn't recall. Jiang Yi's birthday had already passed, what other day could it be?
“If you don't remember, it's fine,” Jiang Yi sighed. “It's not really a special day anyway.”
Yan Yiming closed her eyes again, unaware that Jiang Yi had stayed awake the entire night.
It wasn't that he couldn't sleep, he simply couldn't bear to.
When Yan Yiming woke, she found herself meeting Jiang Yi's gaze. Startled, she reached out and traced the faint shadows under his eyes, frowning. “Did you not sleep well?”
“No,” Jiang Yi averted his eyes. “I slept very well.”
Yan Yiming didn't ask further, “Where are we going today?”
“Today,” Jiang Yi pondered, “let's just stay in the residence.”
No one else, no other matters, just staying together like this, Jiang Yi said.
Yan Yiming felt somewhat puzzled, but after several consecutive days of going out, she was indeed a bit tired. Resting would be good. The two of them painted together in the study and played chess. Jiang Yi watched Yan Yiming, who was earnestly sketching under the candlelight, his face still smiling, but his heart ached so much it had gone numb.
Yan Yiming's eyes began to hurt, and she put down her brush, saying, “I'm not painting anymore.”
“Finish it,” Jiang Yi said. The figure of the woman in the painting was already outlined. “At least complete the facial features.”
Normally, Jiang Yi would always advise her not to read or paint by lamplight, but today was the first time he hadn't. Though surprised, she didn't refuse. Stroke by stroke, she filled in the familiar features of the woman, and by the time she finished, it was already past midnight.
Yan Yiming blinked her sore eyes. “I'll finish the rest tomorrow.”
Jiang Yi stood up, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. He pulled her into his embrace and held her for a long time before saying slowly, “Thank you.”
What is there to thank? Yan Yiming laughed and patted Jiang Yi's shoulder. “It's late, let's rest early.”
“Mm,” Jiang Yi responded. “You go first.”
Having not rested all day and staying up until now, Yan Yiming was exhausted. After washing up, she curled up early and fell asleep before Jiang Yi arrived.
That night, she dreamed of Jiang Yi again. She dreamed she was still trapped in that lightless coffin, but for some reason, the coffin suddenly opened.
Jiang Yi looked at her and said, “Go. I won't keep you confined anymore.” Yan Yiming wanted to ask him why, but Jiang Yi had already turned and left.
Yan Yiming abruptly woke from the dream. The bed curtains blocked the faint light of dawn, making it hard to see clearly. Jiang Yi's face vanished from the dream, and Yan Yiming suddenly clutched her chest, anxiously calling out, “Shaojun.”
But no one answered.
Only then did Yan Yiming seem to realize that the morning felt unusually cold. She turned her head and saw the empty space beside her pillow. No one would hear her voice and pull her into an embrace anymore.
Yan Yiming stared blankly for a long time before suddenly pulling back the bed curtains and getting out of bed.
The room was just as it had been the day before, but one person was missing, and one painting was gone. The unfinished painting had disappeared, replaced by a letter that had been written long ago.
Jiang Yi's familiar handwriting appeared before her eyes, tenderly calling her “A’Ming” as he always had.
He said he was leaving.
He thanked her for the time she had given him, for being willing to stay in his world a little longer.
He still loved her, and he still couldn't bear to part with her, but where there is meeting, there must also be parting. She still wanted to leave, she was still unhappy, and he couldn't bear to see her unhappy or in pain, so he had finally chosen to let go.
He wished her happiness in the days to come. He told her not to think of him, who had hurt her, after she returned. He hoped there would be someone who loved her more than he did.
“Thank you for making me remember that this day will no longer be filled with nightmares. You never owed me anything; you've repaid it all.”
Four years ago on this day, he had rushed back from the capital, only to find no smile on her face, just a world of stark whiteness. Every year on this day since, he had dreamed of that despairing and painful time, unable to escape it or forget it.
Thank you for staying by his side on this day four years later. From now on, whenever this day comes, he will recall every moment they spent together, and the nightmares will no longer haunt him.
I selfishly kept you for so long, made you afraid for so long. Even if you repay me everything, you still owe me nothing.
“From now on, you are finally free.”
Yan Yiming finally remembered yesterday, how Jiang Yi had tentatively asked if she recalled what day it was. The spring four years ago suddenly resurfaced, and the young man who had once knelt in agony before her door had let go of his most obsessive feelings to set her free.
Yet, he was still thanking her.
At that moment, Yan Yiming seemed to hear his gentle voice. She covered her eyes, but still, tears streamed down like rain.