Chapter 117

Later, when her mother’s illness worsened to the point where she even wanted to escape this world, Yan Yiming wondered: if she hadn’t left S City out of fear and frustration, if she hadn’t left her mother’s side, would her mother have become so sensitive and so easily hurt?
The harm catalyzed by an illness drove a wedge between Yan Yiming and her mother. Even though she could understand the uncontrollable actions of a sick person, she could never forget her mother's words.
She said she was the original sin.
In order to obtain her father's so-called “forgiveness,” her mother even tried to drag her down to hell. The doctor said it was all a consequence of the illness and that she shouldn't blame her mother. But Yan Yiming had consulted another doctor, who said that all uncontrollable behaviors after falling ill were the truest reflections of one's heart.
And so, the pity and hesitation in her heart gradually faded away.
She didn’t tell anyone what she was thinking, nor did she ever explain anything to her mother after she regained clarity of mind. She gradually realized that the air outside this home was far fresher than before.
Yet some things, some identities, could never be cast off.
After her daughter left, her sensitive mother seemed to realize how much more she missed and relied on her daughter than she had imagined. She would call her daughter affectionately every single day, without fail, as if she had found someone to confide in again.
But the daughter who had once been endlessly patient with her seemed to have changed a great deal.
The sick mother didn’t think too much about it and only grew more persistent in calling her. She didn’t know Yan Yiming’s class schedule, nor when she was free or busy. Whenever she wanted to talk, she had to hear her daughter’s voice immediately.
Even though Yan Yiming no longer loved her mother the way she used to, she never spoke a harsh word to her. But when she was too busy to spare even a moment, the phone would still ring relentlessly, like a death knell, grating on her nerves.
She turned off her phone, and the world around her finally fell silent. It wasn’t until evening that she turned it back on. There were no calls from her mother, but for some reason, her father had called.
The man, who had always been stern and unsmiling, never seemed to express any emotion in his words. But this time, Yan Yiming could hear the anger in his voice. He asked her what she had said to her mother, and whether she knew what her mother had...
A sudden, inexplicable sense of absurdity washed over Yan Yiming. She coldly laughed and cut off her father’s words. Days of pent-up frustration and irritation instantly turned into sharp, cutting remarks.
She said, “What right do you have to say such things to me?”
“The cause was sown by you. Why should she bear the consequences she never wanted?”
Her father fell silent on the other end of the line, all his words stuck in his throat. Listening to the silence, Yan Yiming felt an indescribable sense of satisfaction. She recalled the smiles her mother and father had shared in her youth, and the cold indifference he had shown day after day.
“What right do you…“
“Your mother is missing.”
Before she could finish, her father’s weary voice overpowered hers. Yan Yiming froze, momentarily at a loss for words. Finally, she stammered, “...Then go find her, quickly...”
“She bought a plane ticket to where you are.”
Because her daughter had refused her calls, she didn’t try calling again. Instead, she kept it from everyone and went directly to the city where her daughter was staying.
As Yan Yiming hurried to the airport, she pressed a hand to her chest. She was already deeply disappointed, yet the moment she heard her mother had come out alone, she couldn’t help but worry intensely. Her mother, who had always been coddled and cherished, had never once left home unaccompanied.
The plane hadn’t arrived yet. She waited and waited at the airport, and when there was still no sign, she began searching for her everywhere. Finally, she found her, still wearing the long dress she usually wore at home, with slippers on her feet.
Yan Yiming’s heart finally sank. She let out a long sigh of relief and called out to her. Her mother turned around, neither smiling nor saying a word, and before Yan Yiming could react, she slapped her across the face.
Her proud mother, after being rejected by her daughter, had rushed all the way here just to teach her a lesson with that slap.
That slap was forever etched in Yan Yiming’s heart. For the first time, she felt hatred, toward her mother, toward this woman she had cared for all these years.
Tall and long-legged, she towered over her petite mother. Passersby came and went, curiously watching the mother and daughter. Yan Yiming looked down at her, all her emotions hidden inside. In a tone colder than ever before, she said to her mother, “Since you managed to come here on your own, I’m sure you can manage to go back by yourself too.”
Her mother, whose face was still young and beautiful, froze on the spot. She had imagined lecturing her daughter for her disrespectful behavior, had pictured her daughter obediently admitting her mistake, but not this.
Suddenly, she regretted what she had just done. With so many people around, her daughter must have felt humiliated. Maybe the slap had been too harsh. She hurried after her daughter but couldn’t catch up.
She stood alone at the airport for a long time, so long that she lost track of what was happening. In the end, her brother and father, who had rushed over from S City, took her back home.
When Yan Yiming received a call from her uncle saying her mother had been found, she simply replied, “Oh,” and was about to hang up. Her uncle added that her mother was, after all, still ill, and she shouldn’t take it to heart.
Yan Yiming couldn’t even bring herself to say “oh” this time and ended the pointless conversation.
Her uncle rubbed his temples and leaned back weakly in the car seat. It was a mistake that should never have started, one they had deliberately ignored until it was beyond repair.
He couldn’t persuade his niece, so he could only gently hint to his sister that Yan Yiming was very busy these days and it might be better not to call her every day. She was stunned for a long moment, as if she wanted to ask something, but in the end, she said nothing.
Her brother thought she had taken his advice and left the house with a sigh of relief.
A few days later, however, she showed up again in an even more wretched state.
Mother Yan had attempted suicide for the second time.
Although she was ill, during her clearer moments, she was still sharp. She had noticed her daughter’s unusual coldness and her family’s secrecy. Quietly, she managed to evade everyone and found the home surveillance footage.
She saw her trembling as she entered her daughter's room holding a fruit knife. The screams coming from the daughter's room pierced her eardrums, and then everyone rushed in and pulled her out. Her daughter clutched her bleeding arm, her face paler than she had ever seen before.
Mother Yan suddenly understood.
She watched the video over and over again, as if punishing herself, before quietly leaving the place and retreating to her room, where she cried for a long time. When the servants knocked on her door in the afternoon, the room had fallen silent once more.
Yan Yiming had once confided in a close friend about the turmoil in her family. The friend couldn't hide her astonishment, saying that such scenes only happened in dramas, never imagining they could occur in real life. Looking at Yan Yiming's beautiful, delicate face and recalling the envy and admiration many expressed for her, the friend suddenly felt a pang of sorrow.
God is always fair, behind such a glamorous facade often lies the harshest reality.
Yan Yiming told her friend she never wanted to go back, not even in the future. Yet, just three days after uttering those words, she found herself on the road home again.
Her mother had been fortunate enough to be saved once more, but this time, a psychologist approached Yan Yiming. The psychologist explained that her mother had attempted suicide out of guilt toward her.
He said it was both a good thing and a bad thing.
Bad because her mother's condition had worsened again, but good because her inexplicable guilt toward her father seemed to have been buried. Now, her thoughts and concerns revolved solely around her daughter. The doctor hoped Yan Yiming would cooperate with the treatment, as it might help improve her mother's condition.
Yan Yiming remained silent throughout. So many people came to persuade her, saying that no matter what, this was her mother, the one who gave birth to her. Yan Yiming thought absurdly, would she have to end her own life like her mother to escape such responsibility?
But she still wanted to live. Beyond this wretched family, she had many dreams and aspirations.
Ignoring their pleas, she left S City. Later, she heard that her mother had finally begun treatment and started taking medication. Yet, she never received another phone call from her mother. Yan Yiming thought life would continue like this, but after the semester ended, she was inexplicably expelled.
Her father came personally to pick her up. He assured her it didn't matter, she could directly enroll in a top-tier university in S City. He said her mother missed her dearly and needed her.
Yan Yiming finally broke down in tears.
She had never done anything wrong. Since childhood, she was the one who suffered, the one who stayed by her mother's side, the one who never truly hated her father. So why was she the one forced to bear all the consequences?
Yan Yiming couldn't understand what she had done wrong. The grievances of the previous generation had persisted for over twenty years, yet in the end, it was she, the unrelated one, who suffered the backlash.
Absurdly, Yan Yiming thought, perhaps she wasn't unrelated after all. Just as her mother had said, she was guilty.
She was the original sin. Her very birth was a sin, so from the moment she came into this world, she was destined to bear it all.
Her mother needed to see her. She needed to tell her mother she had never blamed her. She needed to patiently stay by her side and reassure her that she still loved her. But with everything that had happened, when Yan Yiming saw her mother again, she couldn't even muster a smile.
Her mother never spoke a harsh word to her again. Instead, she would cautiously ask what she had done that day, what she had eaten, and how she was feeling, much like the timid deference she had once shown toward her father. She was afraid that a single wrong word might provoke her anger.
During her lucid moments, Yan Yiming would tell the auntie beside her that if she ever had an episode, she must not let Yiming see it. It seemed she had forgotten the father she had once engraved in her heart, her mind now solely occupied by Yan Yiming.
Her mother moved to a sunny villa in the suburbs. The doctor advised Yan Yiming to visit her every couple of days and talk to her, but Yan Yiming was unwilling to go. She didn’t want to see her, let alone witness her cautious, timid demeanor. All she wanted was to leave, yet she couldn’t.
When she was in a bad mood, she would resort to various ways to soothe herself, and her words became sharper and more cutting than before. She dreamed of leaving that place to find peace, until one day, she finally did.