Chapter 36

Jian Yu’er forgot why she had come here and what she had just said. It felt as if all the blood in her body had been drained in an instant. Though the golden hairpin had slashed Yan Yiming's face, in that moment, it felt as if it had pierced straight through Jian Yu’er's own eyes.
Blood-soaked, all she could see was a haze of red and a wound that could never be erased.
It was then that Jian Yu'er remembered, she had said from the very beginning that she should never have appeared before him, that this face should never have existed.
And so, in an instant, this face that “should never have been” was utterly destroyed.
She clearly hadn't laid a hand on anyone, yet at this moment, Jian Yu'er was horrified to feel that she was the one who had ruined this face.
Desperately, she wanted to explain something, but it felt as if someone had seized her throat, rendering her unable to utter a word. Only her tears, like a torrent out of control, blurred her vision alongside the glaring crimson mist.
Standing there as if her soul had fled, she heard the sharp, hysterical wails of Yan Yiming's maid beside her. In her confusion, she seemed to catch the familiar voice of Jian Yuyan, and a fear she had never known before surged within her. Frantically turning around, she repeatedly explained that she hadn't been the one to do it.
But at this moment, no one could hear her words anymore, and no one paid her any mind.
With a breathtaking slash, Yan Yiming completely severed all of Jian Yuyan's lingering feelings for Jian Yu'er, teaching him in the most resolute way what cruelty truly meant.
She watched as Jian Yuyan rushed over, out of control, and in his panicked, helpless eyes, she saw her own horrifying reflection and smiled. Stretching out a hand equally stained with blood, she touched her slashed cheek and asked him, “Now... do I still look like her?”
Jian Yuyan had lived many years. As a child, Chancellor Jian had told him he was not a child of the Jian family, that he carried the shame of a fallen kingdom and the hatred of a slaughtered clan. Even now, it felt more like a story that had nothing to do with him. As he grew older, he fell in love with Jian Yu'er, but she told him he could only ever be a brother. At that time, Jian Yuyan felt as though something he had held onto for so long was lost, a sense of sorrow, but even more, an emptiness.
And now, Yan Yiming lay in his arms, clearly in excruciating pain, yet with a lightness he had never seen before, asking if she still resembled Jian Yu'er. In that moment, Jian Yuyan heard the sound of his sanity shattering.
Jian Yuyan roared like a madman, urging someone to fetch a doctor, yet his hold on Yan Yiming was impossibly gentle. His beautifully shaped lips were now pale and trembling.
“You don’t...”
Jian Yuyan said.
The wound was too deep, gruesomely bloody and terrifying. Jian Yuyan's hands shook, unsure what to do, afraid that any careless touch or movement would only cause her more pain. Kneeling beside her, he supported Yan Yiming's body and grasped her hand as she tried to touch the wound.
“Never alike,” the man who had never shed a tear before now had moist eyes. His beautiful peach-blossom eyes were bloodshot, and his already hoarse voice spoke to her, “She is her, and you are you. I truly love you not because of her, A’Ming, how could you...”
How could you be so foolish.
How could you be so cruel again...
The one I love is truly you.
Yan Yiming gave a weak smile, but because of her current wretched state, even her smile appeared forced and heart-wrenching. Jian Yuyan carefully embraced her, watching as she slowly closed her eyes. In the end, he heard her faint, almost inaudible voice, “Zi'an... it really hurts...”
She said it hurt.
How could it not hurt...
How could anyone bear to hurt her like this...
By the time the physician arrived, Yan Yiming had already fainted from excessive blood loss and was bordering on shock.
The wound was as long as a finger, and no matter how it was treated, it would forever remain on her face, never to disappear again.
No one would ever think she resembled Jian Yu’er again, for at first glance, all anyone would see was this scar.
Jian Yuyan stared blankly at Yan Yiming, who had fallen into a deep sleep. His fingers reached out to trace the wound on her cheek, but Yan Yiming, whether from a dream or the pain, frowned uneasily.
Jian Yuyan abruptly withdrew his hand in distress.
He recalled what Yan Yiming had said when he left the Plum Garden the night before: “Those who have never been injured can evoke pity with just a light scratch, while those accustomed to wounds, no matter how scarred, are overlooked.”
How could he overlook her? Jian Yuyan held Yan Yiming's hand and buried his face in her palm.
In truth, he had always cared. In truth, he cared the most. But he had realized it too late.
Yan Yiming had lost too much blood. After fainting that day, she remained in a deep slumber, unable to wake. The physician said it shouldn't have been this severe, yet he couldn't explain why she wouldn't awaken.
Jian Yuyan stayed by her side almost constantly, carefully moistening her lips with water. On the rare occasions when urgent matters called him to the Eastern Palace, Nan Gongxuan asked why he looked so haggard lately. Staring at Nan Gongxuan, Jian Yuyan suddenly felt an indescribable sense of shared sorrow.
He remembered Nan Gongxuan once saying that his greatest regret was not realizing sooner that the one he truly loved was her, leading to a lifetime of remorse. At the time, Jian Yuyan had never truly understood those words. But now, thinking of the unconscious Yan Yiming, he was truly afraid.
In the dead of night, Jian Yuyan carefully held her from behind, embracing her in his arms. Feeling her still-warm skin, his heart finally felt a slight sense of relief.
The next day, the distraught Jian Yu’er, having failed to see Jian Yuyan, returned to the Plum Garden for the second time, only to be stopped at the door by Yan Yiming's maid.
The young girl, her eyes red with tears, guarded against her, fearing she might cause more harm.
Jian Yu’er struggled to speak, her voice strained, “I just wanted to see her...”
“No need,” the maid replied, tears streaming down her face again as she looked at the familiar face. “If it weren't for you, our young lady wouldn't be so badly injured. Now her face is ruined, aren't you finally happy and satisfied?”
“I didn't...” Jian Yu’er said urgently. She had truly only wanted her to leave the capital, to leave her brother. She had never intended to harm her. But now, no words could change what had happened.
She no longer resembled her former self, yet she felt no joy at all.
Jian Yuyan heard the commotion and stepped out, his gaze falling upon Jian Yu’er’s face with an unprecedented coldness, a look that Jian Yu’er had never seen before and that filled her with fear. Flustered, she called out, “Brother,” but Jian Yuyan stood at a distance, his tone icy as he asked, “What are you doing here?”
No matter how the maid had spoken to her earlier, Jian Yu’er could endure it. But hearing Jian Yuyan speak to her in such a tone, she suddenly felt a surge of grievance, her eyes reddening.
“...I just wanted to see her,” Jian Yu’er said softly, carefully producing an exquisite small bottle. “This is the medicine the Empress bestowed back then...”
“No need,” Jian Yuyan glanced at the bottle. He had already obtained the best medicine from the Crown Prince. “She hasn’t woken up yet. Come back when she’s awake,” he said, then added as if remembering something, “Even if she wakes up, she won’t want to see you. You should just go back.”
Jian Yu’er tightened her grip on the small bottle, lowering her head to stare at the tips of her shoes as tears silently fell.
Jian Yuyan only glanced at her before turning and heading back into the inner room.
Suddenly, Jian Yu’er could no longer hold back. She had never experienced such coldness from Jian Yuyan before. In a desperate voice, she called out to stop him, “I truly never imagined it would come to this...”
“So what?” Jian Yuyan paused in his steps.
“So... so she did it to herself. I didn’t lay a hand on her. I really didn’t,” Jian Yu’er’s voice trembled with tears. “I just wanted to talk to her because I was afraid she would ruin both our reputations...”
“Have you finished saying what you needed to say?”
Jian Yu’er’s voice abruptly halted. She looked up in a daze.
Jian Yuyan didn’t even glance at her, his eyelashes lowered as he held Yan Yiming’s medicine bowl. It was clear he had been helping her take her medicine earlier. Seeing that Jian Yu’er had nothing more to say, he said, “If you’re done, leave immediately. Don’t disturb A’Ming’s rest.”
Jian Yu’er felt as if she had been slapped hard across the face, momentarily unsteady on her feet. The dignity she had struggled to maintain was stripped away completely in that moment, and she finally broke down in uncontrollable sobs. “I was just angry that she took you away... I just wanted her to leave, to stay away from you...”
This was the first time Jian Yu’er had spoken so bluntly to him, but now, hearing her words, he felt nothing but endless mockery, tinged with an unmistakable disgust.
Her confession no longer stirred any emotion in Jian Yuyan’s heart. Listening to her, he thought of all the years of affection and feelings he had once held, and a faint sense of nausea washed over him.
He only wanted her to stay away from him...
“But what right do you have to keep her away from me?” Jian Yuyan turned his head and looked at her mockingly. “And who are you to me?”
Suddenly, he found it somewhat laughable, Nan Gongxuan back then, Jiang Yi now, Shao Jingyu, with whom she had been corresponding all along, and now himself. Why had he never felt anything amiss before?
Never before had he regretted liking Jian Yu'er as much as he did now.
The one who truly should have stayed away was never A'Ming, but Jian Yu'er.
Jian Yu'er had always looked down on A'Ming, yet she had given him the purest version of herself. As for Jian Yu'er, Jian Yuyan stared at her and sneered coldly.
Your feelings are terrifyingly fickle.
Jian Yu'er stumbled out of the Plum Garden in a daze. The moment she stepped out, her legs suddenly gave way, and the maids waiting outside hurriedly supported her, anxiously asking what was wrong.
What was wrong? Jian Yu'er's lips trembled. She suddenly recalled the words that woman had said to her that day:
“Miss Jian, being liked by someone is a fortunate thing. Even if it's inappropriate or shouldn't be, one should never feel ashamed of such feelings.”
From the very beginning, she had taken the wrong approach. From the very beginning, she had misunderstood her own feelings.
Now, the feelings were gone, and Jian Yuyan no longer existed either.
Jian Yu'er, I truly regret having ever liked you.