Chapter 39

Jian Yuyan had long known that Yan Yiming was even more perceptive than he had imagined. No matter how hard he tried to act composed, she had still noticed something was amiss.
But even so, there were some things Jian Yuyan still couldn’t bring himself to tell her.
He couldn’t say it, and he didn’t dare to.
His background, his struggles.
He had to marry, and the choice of his wife would undoubtedly have nothing to do with Yan Yiming.
To Chancellor Jian, he had no reason to refuse. He had responsibilities and couldn’t refuse, because he needed to protect Yan Yiming.
To Yan Yiming, not long ago, he had promised to bring her back to the residence and resolve everything. So now, he couldn’t tell her, afraid that she would be hurt, sad, or worried.
So when Yan Yiming asked, Jian Yuyan remained silent for a moment before shaking his head. After a while, he said with a hint of guilt, “A’Ming, the day I promised to bring you to the Jian residence will likely be delayed again.”
“Did Chancellor Jian not permit it?”
“...Yes.”
Yan Yiming looked into his eyes in the darkness and said earnestly, “Then we’ll wait until he agrees.”
Jian Yuyan was stunned.
Yan Yiming smiled faintly and, after a long while, said leisurely, “Everyone says I was too impulsive and ruined this face of mine, but I have never regretted it. Zi'an, do you know why?”
“Why?”
“I remember telling you before, if one cannot follow their heart in this lifetime, what is the point of living? Because of this scar, I gained what I wanted, so I have no regrets. You and I met because of this face, but I don’t want you to be with me just because of it. I wanted you to see clearly, I am me, and she is her. You saw clearly, and you still love me, so I have no regrets in this life.”
Jian Yuyan’s heart tightened abruptly. He pulled her into his embrace and said in a low voice, “Life is still long. Don’t say such things.”
“I don’t mean anything else,” Yan Yiming pushed against Jian Yuyan’s chest to adjust her position and continued, “Back then, I didn’t know whether you loved me or her, so I only wanted a place by your side. But now that I know you hold me in your heart, whether I have that place or not isn’t so important anymore. In life, there are always moments of dilemma and hardship. When you can’t have both, you must make a choice.”
Jian Yuyan’s heart tightened again, and his arms around Yan Yiming trembled slightly.
No matter how clever Yan Yiming was, Jian Yuyan never thought she could guess his inner turmoil and indecision. Yet her words seemed to carry a hidden meaning.
Jian Yuyan lifted his gaze to meet Yan Yiming’s eyes and asked, “You say one must make a choice, but how should one choose?”
“I’m just an ordinary person, so I only look at what my heart truly desires,” Yan Yiming sighed. “As long as you don’t regret it when you look back in the future, that’s enough.”
Not regretting in the future.
Wasn’t that the very question he had pondered for so many years without finding an answer?
No matter his origins, he couldn’t ignore that the previous dynasty had fallen decades ago. Now, the world was at peace, the nation was prosperous, and the people were content. Scholars praised the current emperor’s wisdom while mocking and condemning the previous dynasty, calling it an era of tyranny.
Chancellor Jian always said that the Nan family was ambitious and treacherous, that the founding emperor’s uprising shook the nation, and that the current emperor’s rule was illegitimate. They might not have been good people, but they were good emperors.
Jian Yuyan couldn’t remember when he had spoken these words to Chancellor Jian, but the usually kind chancellor flew into a rage for the first time, pointing at him and shouting, “How dare you say such things? Have you no shame before our ancestors who gave their lives?”
He said the Nan family had slaughtered their entire clan, that royal blood had dyed the moat red, and that beneath the city of Jinling lay the countless souls of the previous dynasty. “How can you stand on this land, gaze upon your own father’s memorial tablet, and utter such words?”
That night, Jian Yuyan dreamed of flames engulfing the most beautiful glazed tiles of the capital, the roars of men and the screams of women. A man in a yellow robe watched it all calmly before being swallowed by the raging inferno.
It was then that Jian Yuyan understood: some things are imprinted on you from birth, becoming your duty and your destiny, something you can never escape in this lifetime.
He had to make a choice. He couldn’t abandon his destiny, but neither could he abandon Yan Yiming.
And so, Jian Yuyan ultimately agreed to the marriage. He could not escape it, nor avoid it. He could not let Chancellor Jian know that he had wavered because of a woman. If the Chancellor were to find out, even he would be unable to protect Yan Yiming. Yet, he also did not dare tell Yan Yiming, fearing that if she knew, she might abandon him.
Yan Yiming said she had no regrets in this life, but he did not feel the same.
His life had only one path with two possible outcomes: either he would fail and meet his end, in which case he must not involve A’Ming, lest she suffer because of him; or he would succeed and rise above all, with no one left to dictate his choices. Only then could he offer her the best compensation.
Until then, he chose silence.
There would be time in the future; surely she would come to understand his predicament.
Still, he worried that Chancellor Jian might discover Yan Yiming’s existence. He no longer trusted Jian Yu’er and could not rest easy leaving Yan Yiming at Plum Garden. Moreover, with so many eyes and ears there, it was only a matter of time before Yan Yiming might learn something.
But Yan Yiming had previously stated she would not leave Plum Garden, so Jian Yuyan needed a plausible excuse to avoid arousing her suspicion.
Unexpectedly, one day when he visited Plum Garden, Yan Yiming took the initiative to ask if she could move out.
Jian Yuyan was overjoyed inwardly but careful not to show it, gently inquiring why she suddenly wanted to leave.
Sitting before the bronze mirror, Yan Yiming traced the scar on her face and said slowly, “I had once hoped to return to the stage once or twice more, but now that’s no longer possible. Staying at Plum Garden no longer feels appropriate.”
A young maid beside Yan Yiming chimed in, “Today, Miss encountered Yu Mei. When Yu Mei saw Miss’s face, she sneered and mocked her…”
Yan Yiming signaled for the maid to be quiet, but Jian Yuyan’s heart ached upon hearing this. He always felt that Yan Yiming’s scar was closely tied to him, and the thought of her being ridiculed for her appearance made his expression turn cold, despite his usual gentleness toward women.
Redeeming Yan Yiming from Plum Garden was as simple as a word from him. The garden’s owner had long believed that with her ruined face, Yan Yiming had no future, unable to perform and with no hope of catching a nobleman’s favor. Yet, to his surprise, Jian Yuyan had only grown more devoted to her after the incident and was now taking her away.
The garden owner was utterly astonished but dared not ask further. In the end, he and the other equally shocked performers could only watch as Jian Yuyan and Yan Yiming departed by carriage. Yu Mei’s pretty face flushed with anger. “Young Master Jian must be blind to…”
Before she could finish, the servant who had left with Jian Yuyan returned. Everyone immediately fell silent. The garden owner asked if he had forgotten something, to which the servant glanced at Yu Mei and said, “The young master said that Miss Yu Mei has worked hard at Plum Garden for so many years and deserves a rest now.”
The words were tactful, but the meaning was clear: Yu Mei was no longer allowed to perform on stage. Her face, flushed crimson just moments before, instantly turned deathly pale.
The garden owner froze for a long moment before finally mustering the courage to ask why. The attendant smiled faintly and replied, “You’ll have to ask Miss Yu Mei what she did.”
Everyone turned their gaze to Yu Mei. The few who had joined her in mocking Yan Yiming that day were so terrified they dared not utter a word, afraid of being implicated. Watching Yu Mei weep until she was drenched in tears, they all stepped back cautiously, unable to resist glancing once more in the direction Yan Yiming had departed.
Young Master Jian truly cherished her as if she were a treasure in his hands.
Yan Yiming’s new residence was even better than she had imagined. Initially, she had thought it was merely a courtyard, but now she saw it was clearly a mansion. Though not overly large, it was fully equipped, long corridors, a lake, and everything one could need. With only Yan Yiming and Jian Yuyan as its residents, the place felt even more spacious and serene.
Yan Yiming loved the small bamboo grove in the rear garden the most. Inside it stood a quaint bamboo hut, with a stream flowing nearby. In the summer, it was both refreshing and poetic to linger there.
Jian Yuyan still visited every day. He personally inscribed a plaque for the bamboo hut, and the two of them would sit in the grove playing chess, cooling a jug of wine in the flowing stream. When they retrieved it, the wine was chilled and invigorating.
Lying on a soft couch, Yan Yiming sighed contentedly, saying it was so comfortable she no longer felt like going out.
Jian Yuyan peeled a grape for her and said gently, “If you don’t want to go out, then don’t. It’s the peak of summer, outside might not be as pleasant as it is here.”
Yan Yiming glanced at him, her expression unreadable, then turned her head to bite the grape and chew it slowly. “But staying in alone is terribly boring.”
“I’ll come to keep you company every day,” Jian Yuyan reassured her. After a moment’s thought, he added with a soft smile, “If you ever feel too bored, just send for me, and I’ll take you out.”
Yan Yiming responded with a gentle “Alright,” covered her face with a veil, and drifted off to sleep.
Jian Yuyan approached quietly. Though it was midsummer, he still worried she might catch a chill. He lifted her steadily and carried her back to the room, tucking her under a light quilt.
Chancellor Jian and his wife had finally arranged a marriage for Jian Yuyan, the eldest daughter of the Marquis of Dingbei. While Lady Jian was delighted with the prestigious match, Jian Yuyan knew the Marquis commanded the capital’s imperial guards and occasionally appeared in the secret chamber of the Chancellor’s study.
Ever since the marriage was settled, Lady Jian had been beaming with joy, chattering endlessly to Jian Yu’er about the arrangements. Yet, the more Jian Yu’er listened, the more uneasy she felt.
She couldn’t help but recall the woman who had decisively struck her face with a golden hairpin. Such a fierce and resolute woman, would she truly remain indifferent to Jian Yuyan’s impending marriage?
When she encountered Jian Yuyan in the mansion, Jian Yu’er instinctively wanted to avoid him, but she couldn’t resist calling out to him. After ensuring no one was around, she lowered her voice and asked, “Does she... know about your upcoming marriage?”
Jian Yuyan hadn’t expected Jian Yu’er to bring this up. Perhaps it was because he had silently borne the burden alone for over twenty days, unable to confide in anyone. After a brief pause, he answered, “She doesn’t know.”
Jian Yu’er gasped softly. “Why haven’t you told her?”
Jian Yuyan let out a long, heavy sigh.
He was afraid.
He feared the consequences of Yan Yiming finding out, even though he had no idea what those consequences might be.
Jian Yu'er stared blankly at Jian Yuyan. Everyone said this was a joyous occasion, yet there wasn't a hint of happiness on his face. Her mind was in complete disarray, unsure of what to say. In the end, she could only whisper hoarsely, “But she'll find out eventually.”
It felt as if a needle had suddenly pierced Jian Yuyan's heart.
After a long silence, he finally replied, “I'll tell her.”
Once a little more time had passed, once he could fully protect her, he would tell her everything, along with all his secrets.
When he visited Yan Yiming that evening, she had just finished bathing and was combing her smooth, long hair. Jian Yuyan sat on the edge of the bed, watching her intently. Yan Yiming caught his reflection in the mirror and chuckled softly, “You used to stare before, but what's so captivating now?”
“You're still beautiful,” Jian Yuyan said, rising from the bed and skillfully taking the towel to help dry her hair.
Yan Yiming sat obediently before the mirror and recited, “Holding the comb with tender affection, yet leaving strands of hair to entwine past fates.”
The poem clearly depicted a husband combing his wife's hair. Overwhelmed with emotion, Jian Yuyan set down the towel, wrapped his arms around her from behind, and whispered softly, “A’Ming, let us tie the knot.”
He only wanted to marry her.
Only wanted to bind his life to hers.
Yan Yiming's eyes sharpened. She pinched a strand of her dark hair, examined it for a long moment, and then nodded.
They exchanged nuptial cups, cut two locks of hair, and carefully tied them together with a red thread. Jian Yuyan held the bound strands as if they were the most precious treasure, but in the end, Yan Yiming stored them away in a small cabinet by the bed.
Content, Jian Yuyan held her in his arms, calling her name over and over. Yan Yiming patiently answered each time.
As she drifted off to sleep, she seemed to hear Jian Yuyan's deep, affectionate voice saying that no matter what happened, she must believe him, believe that she was the only one he loved.
But she never heard Yan Yiming's reply, for she had already fallen asleep.
The eldest son of the Jian family, the ideal husband admired by countless women in the capital, was finally going to marry. Even if Jian Yuyan disliked drawing attention, it was impossible to keep it a secret.
The young maids in the household overheard people discussing it while out on errands and returned chattering incessantly. The next day, those maids were no longer seen in the residence.
When Yan Yiming asked Jiang Yi why the household staff had changed again, Jian Yuyan explained that the maids must have made mistakes and were sent away as punishment.
Yan Yiming acknowledged his response without further questions and picked up her brush to continue the unfinished portrait she had been painting.
Jian Yuyan watched her focused expression and breathed a sigh of relief. When the steward had informed him of the matter that morning, his heart had leaped into his throat.
The wedding day was still far off, but the engagement was set for just seven days later.
Upon hearing the news, Jiang Yi’s handsome brows furrowed deeply. He specifically sent someone to Plum Garden, but the people there said Yan Yiming had long been redeemed by Young Master Jian and they had no idea where she was now.
Jian Yuyan had hidden her too well, even Chancellor Jian couldn’t find her, let alone Jiang Yi.
Jiang Yi suddenly felt an indescribable premonition, that their parting at the teahouse might have been the last time they would ever meet.
The engagement was only seven days away. The Jian residence and the household of the Marquis of Dingbei were filled with joy. The young lady who was to marry Jian Yuyan blushed at the mere mention of his name, yet Jian Yuyan remained as indifferent as ever.
Chancellor Jian only cared that he had agreed to the marriage, whether he liked it or not was of little concern. Later, when he heard that Jian Yuyan had taken the opera singer from Plum Garden and kept her outside, he said nothing, as a man’s dalliances were not considered a serious fault.
Jian Yu’er watched as everyone around her was filled with joy, yet she couldn’t muster any happiness herself. Making an excuse to leave the residence, she wandered aimlessly by Little South Lake for a while, only to spot a familiar figure sitting under a willow tree in the distance.
She would never mistake that figure, it was Yan Yiming.
Her face was still veiled, and she sat by the lake, lost in thought.
Jian Yu’er instinctively wanted to leave but couldn’t resist circling back. After hesitating for a long time, she quietly approached. Hearing the movement, Yan Yiming turned her head, momentarily surprised to see her, but then calmly said, “What a coincidence.”
Jian Yu’er replied softly, “Yes, what a coincidence.”
She stared at Yan Yiming’s veiled face but couldn’t see it clearly. Yan Yiming turned to her and smiled, “Do you want to see?”
Jian Yu’er’s face flushed, and she shook her head, her fingers twisting tightly together. After a long silence, she suddenly whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Yan Yiming looked at her in surprise. She had known Jian Yu’er would come here, but she never expected to hear those three words from her.
Seeing that Yan Yiming didn’t respond, Jian Yu’er’s face grew even redder, and she couldn’t bring herself to look at her. Only when Yan Yiming said, “It’s fine,” did she slowly let out a sigh of relief.
The two of them sat in silence for a while.
After another long pause, Jian Yu’er hesitantly asked in a small voice, “Do you… know…”
But she couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence.
Yan Yiming turned to look at her. “Know what?”
“Ah, nothing,” Jian Yu’er quickly shook her head. She had been foolish just now, almost letting it slip. Just as she breathed a sigh of relief, Yan Yiming said calmly, “Do you mean, do I know he’s getting married?”
Jian Yu’er’s handkerchief suddenly fell to the ground. She stared at Yan Yiming in shock. “He told you?”
“No,” Yan Yiming blew a breath against her veil. “He’s been keeping it from me, but I guessed it a long time ago.”
She had known all along…
Jian Yu’er’s heart raced. She suddenly felt afraid. If Yan Yiming had known all this time but never told Jian Yuyan, what was she planning?
Jian Yu’er didn’t dare to guess. Ever since the incident with the golden hairpin, she no longer dared to speculate about what this woman was thinking.
“Don’t tell him,” Yan Yiming suddenly spoke.
“What?”
“Don’t tell him that I already know,” Yan Yiming stood up. “Or at least, don’t tell him for now.”
“For now… what do you mean?”
Yan Yiming smiled and said, “You'll find out when the time comes.”
What did “for now” mean, and what did “when the time comes” mean? Jian Yu'er had no idea.
Yan Yiming had already left. Jian Yu'er stood alone by the lake for a long time. When she returned to the Jian residence and encountered Jian Yuyan, who was about to go out, she clenched her fists but ultimately said nothing, only casually asking if he was going to see her.
Jian Yuyan nodded and strode away. Jian Yu'er watched his retreating figure from afar and suddenly felt like crying.
The seventh day of the seventh month was the day Jian Yuyan was to be betrothed.
The night before, Jian Yuyan told Yan Yiming that he had something to attend to the next day and might return very late. Yan Yiming, carefully painting, merely nodded in response.
Jian Yuyan walked over from the side. Though the painting was nearly finished, it was almost midnight. He gently advised her, “Finish it during the day tomorrow. Be careful not to strain your eyes at night.”
“Just a little bit left,” Yan Yiming said, a faint smile curling at her lips as she whispered, “If I don't finish it now, there won't be time.”
Jian Yuyan was taken aback. “No time?”
“I mean, since it's almost done, I might as well finish it quickly while I have the chance,” Yan Yiming looked up and kissed his cheek. “If you're tired, go rest first.”
Jian Yuyan picked up a book from the shelf. “It's fine, I'll wait for you.”
Yan Yiming said nothing more. The candle slowly burned, and the study was extremely quiet, with only the occasional soft rustle of a turning page.
It wasn't until the moon rose above the treetops that Yan Yiming finally set down her brush. Jian Yuyan closed his book and wanted to look, but Yan Yiming stopped him, saying he could see it after she had it mounted.
Jian Yuyan chuckled softly and didn't insist. As it was late, they didn't delay further. He extinguished the candle, and they returned to the bed to sleep.
When Jian Yuyan woke in the morning, Yan Yiming was still asleep, but upon hearing movement, she drowsily opened her eyes and called out, “Zi'an.” Jian Yuyan turned back, kissed her cheek, and whispered, “It's still early, no need to get up. Wait for me to come back tonight.”
Yan Yiming rolled over to show she had heard. Jian Yuyan smiled lightly, instructed the maids to take good care of Yan Yiming, and hurriedly left.
On the seventh day of the seventh month, the two families had chosen the auspicious day when the Cowherd meets the Weaver Girl. Dressed in magnificent robes, Jian Yuyan looked exceptionally handsome. When he entered the Dingbei Manor, he caused all the women there to blush and their hearts to flutter, envying the sister of the household who was to marry such a man.
Marquis of Dingbei, who was privy to the inside story, was even more exhilarated. His daughter was marrying Jian Yuyan, and her future prospects would extend far beyond being just the young mistress of the Chancellor's residence.
At the engagement banquet, both families were beaming with joy. Everyone congratulated Jian Yuyan upon seeing him, and his old playmates teased him about his upcoming wedding night. Yet, at the mention, Jian Yuyan thought of Yan Yiming and suddenly smiled.
He already had his lifelong partner. He had already experienced his wedding night.
It was just that no one knew.
It wasn't until noon that he returned to the Jian residence from Marquis of Dingbei's estate. After changing his clothes, Jian Yuyan thought to himself that the engagement banquet had ended earlier than expected. With nothing else to do, it was the perfect time to visit her, but Jian Yuyan was stopped at the door by Jian Yu'er, who said she had something important to discuss.
Resigned, Jian Yuyan could only return to his room and ask her what the matter was.
Jian Yu'er stared at him intently. Yan Yiming had forbidden her to speak, but she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. After hesitating for several days, she finally couldn't hold back and called out to Jian Yuyan, saying, “A few days ago, I saw her at South Lake in Guchen. She said...”
Jian Yuyan's smile vanished instantly.
The servants in the residence had said that Yan Yiming hadn't left the estate in days.
Suddenly, an indescribable panic surged in his heart. Feeling as though his chest were being squeezed, he cautiously asked, “What did she say?”
“She said she already knew you were going to marry...”
Jian Yuyan suddenly felt unsteady on his feet. Jian Yu'er quickly reached out to support him and, seeing his distress, hurriedly explained, “I didn't mean to keep it from you, but she made me promise not to tell you she already knew about your marriage, so...”
Jian Yuyan could no longer hear the rest.
She had known all along.
She had forbidden Jian Yu'er to tell him.
She had known, yet she had never shown the slightest hint of awareness.
For a moment, Jian Yuyan stood frozen. Then, in a flash of realization, as if struck by lightning, he dashed out without a second thought.
Under the scorching August sun, Jian Yuyan stood before the painting Yan Yiming had finished overnight the day before, his heart turning completely cold.
“I'll show it to you tomorrow after it's mounted.”
“If I don't finish it today, there won't be time.”
Now he finally saw it. His portrait was complete, but a few words had been added to the painting.
A resolute and decisive farewell, never to meet again.
The grand estate remained as exquisite and beautiful as ever, but it was now empty, its occupant gone.
Yan Yiming had left behind his portrait and the lock of hair symbolizing their union. But she, alone, had departed, never to return.