Chapter 18

Du Ruo couldn’t sleep.
The dorm lights cut out at eleven. She lay on her bunk, eyes wide open, staring into the dark.
Somehow, the night made feelings sharper.
She felt suffocated, air stuttering in her lungs. A storm of emotion churned tight in her chest, like a balloon swelling near the breaking point but never quite bursting, pressure with no release, no escape. Before long, all her swirling worries twisted into stubborn denial.
I don’t like him.
How could I possibly like him?
Arrogant, lazy, bad-tempered, and always acts like I’m beneath him.
Uneasy and fidgeting, she turned over for what had to be the hundredth time when He Huanhuan called out softly from the bunk next door, “Baby, can’t sleep?”
"Mm. Ate too much, I feel gross." She lied, grateful for the darkness that hid her guilty face.
"Me too. My stomach’s so full it hurts," Huanhuan groaned in a whisper. "Shouldn’t have gone for a second round of those grapes."
Before she finished, Qiu Yuchen’s voice drifted quietly through the darkness: “Who snacks right before bed? You deserve a stomachache.”
“You’re awake too?”
“So am I.” Xia Nan sighed, rolling over.
“What’s with everyone tonight?” Huanhuan gave a little giggle. “Let’s have a midnight chat session!”
“Talk about what?” Du Ruo asked. Honestly, she could talk about anything right now, anything to not be alone with her tangled thoughts.
“Nan, spill your dating stories,” Huanhuan suggested.
“I wanna hear too!” Du Ruo chimed in.
Xia Nan snorted. “Nothing to tell. Every relationship’s the same: like someone, be together; don’t like anymore, break up.”
“How many have you had?”
“One in middle school, one in high school.”
“How about you, Yuchen?”
“High school boyfriend. Oh, and there was a crush once, but nothing came of it.”
“Is it all like, super romantic? Like, holding hands and sweet talk every day, living on sugar," Huanhuan sighed dreamily.
Xia Nan replied dryly, “You’ve read too many romance novels. Real life isn’t like that.”
Du Ruo asked, “So what is it like?”
“You treat me well, I treat you well. But you get mad at me, I pick fights with you. Where’s all the fairy tale romance? Real life is just a mess, arguments, drama, friction, every day.”
“Yup,” Qiu Yuchen agreed quietly.
Du Ruo couldn’t help asking: “If dating is such a hassle, why does everyone still do it?”
“Ah, that’s... Impulse? Instinct? Who knows.” Qiu Yuchen called out, “Nan, you give a shot, why do people fall in love?”
Xia Nan yawned. “Because sometimes love is sweet enough to heal everything. That kind of sweetness, it makes you forget all the bad stuff, makes forgiveness come easy.”
No one said anything for a while. The room slipped into a rare hush.
The sweetness of love, covering up life’s bitterness.
Is that really so? Du Ruo wasn’t convinced.
All she tasted, at least right now, was bitterness, sharp, astringent, inescapable.
Of course, this couldn’t be love. Love, to her, was supposed to be something deeper.
Not some fog she couldn’t see through, making her lose her way.
She’d thought she disliked him. But maybe the attention she’d called "dislike" was just a cover, once that mask was gone, she had to face what was really underneath.
She couldn’t even remember exactly when things started to change.
She didn’t want to think about it, just forced herself to clamp down on the messy feelings inside, squeezing her eyes shut, willing it all away.
…
Busy Friday passed. The midterm exams were finally over.
On the weekend, Du Ruo joined her whole class for an autumn hike at Xiangshan.
The maple leaves were at peak red, and it was a Saturday. The mountain paths overflowed with tourists, retirees, middle-aged couples, young lovebirds. A crowd of fresh-faced students shuffled among them, inching slowly toward the summit.
He Yi sighed, “Rule number one of Beijing living: never go out on weekends. People everywhere. Xiangshan? Might as well call it ‘People Mountain’, all you see are heads.”
Li Wei tried to console him, “Just pretend it’s a workout, it’s still good for you.”
But for once, Du Ruo didn’t mind at all.
With exams finally over, classes felt lighter; her heart was too heavy, hiking up a mountain seemed the perfect way to clear her mind. Looking out over the burning red leaves, the sheer scale, she felt her chest open up. Everything, worries, jealousies, melted away for a while.
Until, passing under a maple tree, she noticed a low-hanging branch full of scarlet. She tilted her head to look, and found, hidden among the red, a strange little leaf.
The whole tree was blazing red, except for this one: small, palm-sized, painted with three colors, red, yellow, and green in perfect thirds.
It was beautiful.
She wished he could see it, too.
With that thought, she reached up on tiptoe, gently plucked the leaf, and, as if it were made of glass, wrapped it in tissues and slipped it into her notebook, careful not to damage it.
In that delicate moment, snapping her notebook shut, she felt it with raw clarity, she really, really liked him.
From then on, she couldn’t focus on the scenery at all.
The most breathtaking view was tucked in her pocket, and she didn’t know what to do with it, her mood tangled and murky.
Back at the dorm, Du Ruo sat alone for a long time.
Saturday night, Xia Nan and Qiu Yuchen had gone home. He Huanhuan was crashing at a high school friend’s over at Foreign Trade; she wouldn’t be back tonight.
Du Ruo left just her desk lamp on, its golden cone of light turning that tri-colored maple leaf into a little treasure on her desk.
After a while, she tried watching research videos from foreign universities on her computer. For some reason, she couldn't focus, she kept glancing over at the red leaf.
Restless, she shoved the laptop away, dropped her head in her hands, and started reciting circuits: series, parallel, series, parallel...
After a while, she forced herself to try again, opened her notebook, and started copying notes.
At some point, she caught sight of the time on her laptop screen, 7 p.m.
What was he doing right now?
In his dorm? At home?
Suddenly annoyed, she yanked out her earphones and threw her pen down with a bang, unable to sit still. She got up and kicked her poor chair hard, the crash echoed around the room. Hands pressed to her forehead, she paced beside her desk and half-shouted, “If an amplifier has excessive AC noise, consider swapping in a non-inductive adjustment rod for the potentiometer…”
Gradually, her steps slowed, her breathing evened. She sat back down and adjusted her chair, only to catch herself in the floor-length mirror beside the door: a girl sitting alone in a shaft of lamplight, surrounded by shadow.
She wore an ordinary pink sweater, the sort her mom had knitted for her; last week she’d spent half an hour picking off little fuzz balls.
Her hair had grown out, brushing past her ears and grazing her chin. Her skin, maybe it was the light, didn’t seem as sallow as when she’d first arrived in summer. Her lips had some color, too. And her eyes, lit from below, actually looked bright.
Not ugly anymore, really. But nothing special, either.
Just another face in the crowd, no one would notice her in the sea of people.
A wave of sadness crashed over her, so sharp she almost winced.
She glanced at the leaf on her desk. She'd planned to carry it with her, so if she ever ran into him alone, she could pull it out and casually say, “Hey, look at this.”
Maybe his eyes would linger on her hand for two seconds, think it was a little cool. Maybe he’d just look away, bored, and forget all about it five minutes later.
But now, she simply closed the leaf in her notebook again, pushed it away, and let out a choked sob, burying her head in her arms on the desk.
Having a secret crush was torture, it pulverized what little pride she had left into dust.
It hurt so much.
If only, when she looked up, she could just, poof, not like him anymore.
Her phone rang on the desk. Du Ruo lifted her head. It was Li Wei.
“Hello?”
“Du Ruo, you haven’t eaten dinner, right? We got back late from Xiangshan and the cafeteria was closed, so we’re out grabbing food. Class dinner. Come join us!”
She didn’t have it in her, she just wanted to curl up in the dark by herself, not step outside. “I…”
Just as she was about to speak, she overheard Jing Ming talking to someone on the other end: “Not a big crowd, but not much fun either.”
His voice was soft, but she caught every syllable.
Du Ruo straightened unconsciously. “Where are you guys?”
It was seven or eight in the evening. On campus, everything was calm and quiet, but outside, the city buzzed and sparkled. Cars streamed by, a restless school of fish on the river of the road.
Du Ruo jogged past brightly lit storefronts, ducked into a food street rich with delicious scents, and quickly found the restaurant Li Wei had mentioned.
She fussed with her hair and licked her lips, parched from running.
Pushing open the door to the private room, she found more than twenty guys crowded around a huge table.
She spotted Jing Ming instantly. He had his head down, unexpectedly silent, lost in thought.
And somehow, all the turmoil that’d tossed her around all day just… settled.
“Du Ruo, you’re here!” Wan Zi’ang noticed her first and waved, “Saved you a seat.”
The room wasn’t rowdy and the talking was all low-key anyway, but at his call, everyone paused and looked over in unison, everyone except Jing Ming.
He was off in his own world, as if he hadn’t heard her name at all.
Du Ruo took the seat between Wan Zi’ang and Li Wei.
Wan Zi’ang asked, “What do you want to drink?”
Du Ruo said, “No need, whatever everyone else is having. Water’s fine.”
“Who said we’re drinking water? Booze’s coming later.”
Du Ruo: “…ah”
Opposite her, Zeng Kefan teased, “In that case, skip the soda, join us drinking.”
Du Ruo shook her hands in alarm. “I can’t drink!”
“Really?”
“Really. Never have. What would I lie to you for?”
“Never at all?”
“Nope.”
“Well, try it tonight. See how it tastes.”
Du Ruo covered her eyes with a laugh. She knew he was messing with her, but played along with a bit of exaggerated pleading. “Come on, can’t you guys give me a break?”
Another guy piped up to help her out: “Just ignore him. Let’s get him drunk later instead.”
Zeng Kefan clutched his chest and howled, “Come on, it was a joke! Now I’m public enemy number one?”
Du Ruo burst out laughing. Out of the corner of her eye, she snuck a glance at Jing Ming beside Li Wei. He was all sharp jawline and profile, but since she’d walked in, he hadn’t said a word, or looked her way.
He knew everyone at her table, was friends with her whole class, so why was he so quiet?
While everyone on this end joked and laughed, the guy next to Jing Ming muttered something under his breath. Jing Ming just tipped his head, listened, and then let a slight, perfunctory smile curl his lips, quick, fleeting, and nowhere near genuine.
What’s up with him tonight? Something on his mind? Du Ruo felt uneasy.
It was like Jing Ming sensed her gaze. He turned, glanced across the table. Light spilled off the glass lazy Susan and scattered, starlit across his eyes.
Du Ruo startled, sat back quickly, and used Li Wei as cover between them.
Soon, the food arrived.
Li Wei offered her a drink.
Du Ruo said, “I’ll try a sip.”
He really did just pour a tiny splash in her glass. She took a taste, grimaced, and stuck out her tongue. “That’s awful.”
Everyone laughed. They didn’t push her.
“Then skip it,” Wan Zi’ang said, taking her glass away.
Jing Ming wasn’t drinking either, just picking at his food absentmindedly, hardly eating at all.
A few guys lit up; someone offered him a cigarette. He raised his hand politely. “No, I don’t smoke.”
Du Ruo found her own enthusiasm fading.
Not long after, Jing Ming suddenly said quietly to Li Wei, “I thought about it. This setup’s not working, we need to speed things up. Tonight, I’ll make a new standard sheet.”
Li Wei replied, “Fine, but at least eat before you leave.”
“Okay.” Jing Ming seemed to have worked through whatever was eating at him and finally picked up his appetite, chatting with the table.
So that’s it, Du Ruo thought, letting out the breath she’d been holding. She dove into her food.
Halfway through, she dripped oil on her sleeve and went to the bathroom to wash up.
She soaked her sleeve, lathered it up, and was busy scrubbing the stain when Jing Ming’s voice drifted in from outside: “What’s up?”
Then Li Wei’s voice, low: “Min Enzhu cried at my place for ages. I’m pretty sure she wants me to ask you… Are you really done for good this time?”
Jing Ming: “Yeah. It’s over.”
Du Ruo froze.
Outside, Li Wei sighed. “You’re certain?”
“Heh.” Jing Ming actually laughed. “When have I ever not known my own mind?”
“You two were together forever, it’s just a fight, it'll pass…”
“Can you not?” Jing Ming cut him off, impatient.
Li Wei gave up.
After a moment, Jing Ming’s tone softened. “I’ve thought it through. We’re heading in different directions. She can’t even give me the most basic support.”
Li Wei said, “Got it. I won’t say another word.”
The footsteps faded away.
By now, the stain was gone from Du Ruo’s sleeve.
She turned on the tap, rinsed off the foam, and as she did, bit back a smile.