Chapter 40

The lab was utterly still, bright as midday beneath the overhead lights.
The two of them stared at each other in charged silence.
Du Ruo’s gaze locked on his, utterly unresponsive, like a robot that had just lost power.
Jing Ming wavered, nervously darting his tongue over his lips, and tried again, “Du Ruo…”
In a flash, it was like someone whacked Du Ruo awake, she yanked her bag zipper shut and blurted, “I don’t like you.” With that, she hoisted her bag and made a bolt for the door.
Jing Ming hadn’t seen that coming. His brows knotted tight: “Why are you running instead of saying what you mean?!” In a few long strides, he blocked her exit.
She looked like a cornered animal, startled back a step, eyes darting to his and away in panic. “I already said it,” she stammered.
“Said what?”
“Said I don’t like you.” She clung to the lab bench, still stunned from his confession.
“Liar,” Jing Ming’s face had gone a little ashen.
“I’m not…” She gripped her bag straps and tried to break through his blockade, “I really need to go, ”
He sidestepped and blocked her again, showing no intention of letting her leave.
She flushed so hard she felt feverish. “Seriously, I need to go, ”
“Then finish what you want to say!”
“I did! I said I d-” Her voice died off, seeing his expression shift.
He stood still as stone, bit his lip, glanced upward in exasperation, and actually let out a sharp laugh at how mad he was.
Then, face dark, he yanked a sheet of paper from his pocket and slapped it open right in front of her, almost daring, “If you don’t like me, then what’s this?”
Du Ruo blinked, and saw that what he held was one of her political science notes.
Her brain exploded. She flushed scarlet, mortified beyond reason, lunging to snatch it back.
He held it overhead, out of reach. She jumped and managed to catch a corner, tearing the paper a bit in her desperation.
He looked momentarily stunned, then quickly tucked the note behind his back, blocking her with his free hand and snapping, “What are you doing?!”
That shout stopped her cold. She looked up at him, fear, panic, confusion flickering across her eyes, and then replaced by a deep, burning shame, disappointment, and bitterness.
“Feeling triumphant?”
He paused.
She was breathing hard, chest tight with anger. “Are you proud of yourself? Because I liked you, does that make you the king of the world? Am I just supposed to come running when you snap your fingers?”
Surprise flickered in Jing Ming’s eyes, he hadn’t expected such a sharp retort from her.
But Du Ruo just shook with pent-up rage, finally having had enough of his humiliation.
It was June, but her teeth were almost chattering.
She no longer wanted to talk, just to escape.
But he wouldn’t move, blocking her way. She had no more room to hide or run. All those bottled emotions broke free, smashing through all the walls she’d built in fear:
“Yeah, I used to like you. So what? I stopped a long time ago.”
“People like you, arrogant, cold, never seeing anyone else as a person, I must have been out of my mind to ever like you!”
Jing Ming’s ears turned bright red. All his life, no one had ever talked to him like this.
He glared, absolutely livid. “Who do I ever look down on, huh?”
Her lips trembled, the words caught in her throat.
“Say it.” He stepped closer, just a few inches from her, dark eyes fixed on hers. “Who do I look down on?”
She stubbornly held her ground and glared right back. Abruptly: “Me!”
His lips curled in a mocking little smile. “Exactly. But back then, I didn’t like you or even notice you. Isn’t that normal?”
She stared at him, shocked, deeply hurt.
She couldn’t believe it, even after all this time, he still knew just how to twist the knife. Like some nightmare that wouldn’t end.
“You want to know what I was like back then? What my dreams were? Short-term? Passing my exams, maybe scrounging a scholarship? Long-term? Graduate, find an okay office job, rent a tiny place? You and I live in totally different worlds. So back then, you just ignored me, why wouldn’t you?”
“Fine!” Her lips thinned in stubborn defiance, but her heart felt shredded, “But… ‘Don’t fall for me, because I’ll never fall for you.’, How disgusted, how much better than me did you feel, to actually say that out loud? Did you think I was so ugly, so poor, so laughable? If you didn’t like me, fine, but why stomp all over my dignity?”
Clearly, she was still not over it, not even close.
That was still the hardest chapter in her life, the one scar she could never cover up. Even now, the memory rattled her, voice shaking, eyes rimmed red,
“Maybe you didn’t mean to; it just comes naturally to you.
You were born with everything, so you never see what goes unnoticed, you never see anyone else’s pain, or struggle, or pride. I’m not like you. I was born with nothing. Everything I have, I fought for. So don’t you dare look down on me. You’re not that impressive, you were never someone worth my liking.”
Her words hit him like a slap to the face.
“Don’t act like you’re the only one who’s deeply wounded!” Jing Ming snapped back, seething. “You say I’m arrogant, well, you’re hardly a saint yourself. All that cool-girl pride, sensitivity, drama. You want to know why I said that? When you liked me, what did you actually do? Did you confess? When I asked, did you admit it? No. So if you’d just admitted it, maybe, even at my worst, I wouldn’t have said something so harsh. But I said I’d never like you, so what? Was that so wrong?”
Du Ruo’s flush deepened to crimson. “Then you don’t get to like me now!”
He fell silent, hitting his limit. His gaze was so harsh it almost hurt.
And Du Ruo, after facing off with him, was at the end of her rope. Her eyes were red as a rabbit’s, and she’d barely managed to hold back the tears, now, she was losing the fight.
She inhaled sharply, turned her head away, breathing hard, desperate not to let him see her truly defeated.
He’d been furious just moments ago, but seeing her like this, the words died in his throat. For a long time, he said nothing. At last, resigned, he muttered, “Well, I can’t help it. I’m just not like you. People like you, ha!”
She whipped around, bracing herself. His eyes flashed, frustrated, holding something back, and she knew another arrogant, unreasonable tirade was coming. Every nerve in her body snapped to attention.
But instead, his tone was icy, mocking: “You know, people like you fascinate me. You had a crush on me, right? Then what?”
She blinked, wary, not sure where this was going.
“Did you actually like me? Why give up so easily? You talk like you were so hurt, so wronged. But let’s be honest, the second I said something real, you ran. That’s your version of ‘liking’ someone? It’s shallow as hell, honestly, do you like me or just a fantasy in your head? The moment you realized I wasn’t perfect, that I had flaws, you bolted.” His voice sharpened. “Pathetic. And you’re proud of it?”
Du Ruo shot back, “Like you’re so much better?”
He scoffed, “At least a little! We’re fighting, and guess what, I still like you!”
She froze, heart leaping, completely blindsided, as if she’d been slammed back to square one.
The anger and humiliation vanished, replaced by panic and fear crowding her mind. Her chest rose and fell; she turned her face away again.
Her hand closed hard around the edge of the table, unconsciously taking a step back.
He watched her shrink away, jaw clenched, even though he’d just vented everything, still, somehow, the frustration wouldn’t let him go.
Silence stretched between them, thick and suffocating. No one spoke.
It was as if they’d both run out of steam, that all this yelling and baring of souls was suddenly pointless.
The harsh fluorescents bleached the lab white. They stood in that washed-out light so long they seemed to dissolve into it.
At last, her white-knuckled grip on the table eased, and her storm of emotions finally began to recede.
In a quiet voice, she said:
“I don’t want a relationship right now. I don’t need one. I’m genuinely happy, every day, and I don’t want to mess that up…”
But the words caught in her throat.
She’d thought she could be as frank about her heart as she’d just been, but now, it wouldn’t come out.
Because,
Jing Ming, you’re that leaf, aren’t you? The one that blocks out the sun and everything else.
This whole year at college, the times I didn’t like you, I was finally free. I could see the world, everything I’d been missing. But when I liked you, it was misery. I don’t want to go back to that.
I don’t want to be with you and drive myself crazy over what you just said, was it love or just a line? I don’t want to pick you out from a crowd, spot your clothes, your shadow. I don’t want my heart to jump every time I see your back, happy to follow even if you never turn around, even if it means wandering till the end of time. I don’t want to keep guessing what you’re doing, in your room, in the lab, at home, wondering if you ever think of me, ever care, ever maybe kind of liked me back. I don’t want every leaf, every dove, the color of the sky, to remind me of you.
But,
With tears swimming in her eyes, all she managed was a faint, trembling smile. “I just want to work on myself. To really become someone I like. Honestly, that’s way more important to me than dating you.”
Jing Ming said nothing. No anger, no denial. Silence dragged on between them.
And for the first time, he realized something inside him had changed. Before tonight, what he’d felt for her was just the shallow possessiveness of a kid fighting over a toy.
But this dull ache in his chest made him hesitate. He didn’t dare step closer.
He saw her head bowed; a single tear fell. “Don’t cry,” he said.
“I was just talking. It’s not like I’m obsessed, not like I have to chase after you. Why are you crying? Am I really that…” He faltered, scowling. “Just drop it, okay? Stop crying!”
Du Ruo scrubbed her eyes, yanking the bookbag strap she’d twisted into a rope, and hurried out, head down.
He cut her off again.
She looked up, eyes red: “I’m going. Let me go.”
“I’ll walk you. It’s late.” He grabbed his own bag and headed toward the door. At the door, he looked back, she trailed after him slowly, head hanging.
He locked up behind them.
The campus was hushed and dark, trees casting shifting shadows.
Time slipped by: autumn to winter, spring into the thick of summer.
The road out front had seen every season, brilliant gold, fallen leaves, bare branches, new buds, lush green. Right now, the canopy stretched like an umbrella, blocking out the night sky.
The milky streetlight shimmered through the branches, spattering the ground with little starbursts of white, painting both their faces as they walked in silence.
Jing Ming and Du Ruo kept to opposite sides, a whole road’s width apart, drifting through that galaxy of light without a word, never looking at each other.
The campus was peaceful, air thick with summer’s warmth, romantic even, if either of them cared to notice. But they didn’t; like two parallel lines, they passed labs, lecture halls, offices, even the stadium, moonlight and lamplight trailing behind. The world was quiet, no one else about.
The summer night breeze brushed his shirt, her skirt hem, but who knew if it could really smooth out any of the turmoil inside them.
When her dorm finally came into view, both quickened their pace without meaning to, but he was faster, catching up in a few long strides to block her path.
She kept her eyes down, clutching her bag-strap, every inch on guard.
“Du Ruo.” His voice was steady. “Don’t go. I didn’t invite you to Prime because I wanted to date you. I wouldn’t stoop that low, using work to win a girl over. I wanted you in because you deserve it.”
“I need you. Prime needs you. Whatever I said tonight, forget it. This ends tonight.”
He turned and walked away without looking back.
His footsteps faded in the hall. She didn’t watch him leave, just squared her shoulders and strode into the dorm alone.
The street was empty now. No one else in sight.
Du Ruo had stayed out too late; she signed in at the front desk, crossed the hushed, empty lobby, and took the elevator upstairs.
It felt as if all the pain from those years had been returned in full. And yet,
As the elevator doors slid shut, she broke down, sobbing silently.